It's already like 9 days after Pierce the Veil's concert and I'm still thinking about it.
I think it's all because it was just small piece of happiness in my whole shitty depressed life. Even I wasn't able to go on signing. I still was able to see them all life on the stage. It was most amazing night in my life <3 I was dreaming of it for really long time already. Can't wait for the next time.
Actually I had a few more of nice days. Even though I feel so fucking bad right now.
I really hate that feeling, don't even know what's the reason anymore. And my antidepressants are gone already, but I don't want to go to the doctor to get more of them.
So now I'm sitting here, in my room, by my own, without anybody I can talk to because my mum obviously won't listen to me, she is never listen to me, my brother neither and my sister is busy right now. I don't even want to think about all of those things I can do to myself. But I'm thinking about it and it's not good. I'm trying to control myself but it's so fucking hard. I don't want to do it as much as I don't want to feel like that, but sometimes I feel like feeling physical pain is the only way that can help me to get rid of all of those thoughts for few more hours or minutes. I don't know what to do, don't want to end up in the hospital again. It's even worse. Especially that in the past lot of people said that I will end up in the hospital for mentally ill people. They actually didn't meant that kind of mental illness but still, just don't want to. Not anymore. Because it makes me believe in other things they said even more.
And they said lot of things.
I'm so fucking tired of everything. Sometimes I wish I had no friends so I could end up with myself without hurting anybody. But now, even there's not lot of them, I can't do anything. I know that maybe even I'm not as important for them as their other friends they would be sad and I want them to be happy.
It's fucking 1 o'clock right now. I have to go college tomorrow... Can't be arsed at all. Can I stay home please? Or not... Can I stay but somewhere else?
And what I want from life? To be honest, I want somebody who will hug me, who would say "You'll be okay" and who will be with me even on my worst days. I can do anything for somebody like that but there is something wrong with me so I can't have anybody like that and even when I have friends, or even I'm in the fucking relationship they always have somebody else who is more important. I can't blame people and I don't expect anybody to leave everybody else for me. But it would be nice to find somebody like this.
goodnight.
